Catwoman (2004) review

 Catwoman

Run time 104 mins cert 12

This review may contain spoilers, but if i’m honest there’s no plot to spoil. 

“The day I died was the day I started living”

This is the opening line of Catwoman, a film I was challenged to do by one of my followers on Twitter, to celebrate the release of The Dark Knight Rises this year.

Now some of you, will only remember Christopher Nolan’s Batman films, now this maybe because you are to young, or, more likely you have managed to repress all of the Batman universes many incarnations and even though you sacrificed Batman and Batman Returns it was worth it, because the rest aren’t worth mentioning, much less watching.

This brings us to Catwoman, a film that is almost legendary for being atrocious, “now I’ve seen Batman and Robin” I thought, “how bad could it be”?  “It certainly couldn’t be any worse”. It is worse, much, much worse.

 

The film starts, with a montage of stories about cats and “catwomen”, this lasts for about three minutes, but trust me it feels like thirty. After that we get some melodramatic narration in a hideously cheery voice about our “hero”, Patience Phillips (Halle Berry), who wants to be an artist, but is stuck working for a big cosmetic makeup corporation, (isn’t that always the way), where she works with Sally (Alex Borstein) and some bloke who is just there to enforce the stereotype that everyone who works in the cosmetics industry except the boss is gay.

So patience gets called up to the bosses office, where he screams about how terrible her design/ she is blah, blah, blah and says she has until midnight the next day to change it, now let me just say this, in the first ten- fifteen minutes the acting is ok but as soon as she becomes cat woman, the whole cast, gets infected with this hideous overacting disease it’s not pleasant to watch, anyway, a seemingly long story short, she finds out the cream the company wants to sell people kills people gets killed and becomes catwoman.

If I’m honest that’s most of the plot, apart from a hideously contrived subplot involving a her and a stupid police officer (Benjamin Bratt), who needs to have an eye test because it’s blatantly obvious who catwoman is, there is a scene in which he is talking to her and he says “I’d like to get to know more about you” and I was sitting there thinking “I would to”, but then it just cuts away.

The camera- work looks like the camera man kept falling over, there are pointless zoom shots and close ups, mostly on Halle Berry’s cleavage, stop it Hollywood, women can be sexy without them being in, essentially a bra some belts and leather trousers. This isn’t something I would usually care about, but right at the end  it throws in a feminist reference a, “we don’t need men we can do it all on our own” sort of thing, you can’t do that, you can’t make a woman who dresses in, lets face it, bondage gear a feminist it just doesn’t work that way, actually it could if she was a strong-minded woman right from the off, but she isn’t she’s just a stupid ditzy woman stereotype and it really made me angry.

The editing though is amazing, it really is, now I have seen some bad editing in bad films, but this takes it to a new level, it is shockingly bad, there is one scene where she is on a bike and gets on and off with no helmet on, but while she is on it she has one, it’s really very odd.

I despise this hideous contrived mess of a film, I felt angry as I watched it and while it is no-where near the worst film I have ever seen, for those check out Darkstorm Earthstorm and Black Dawn, the only thing that saves it from being a zero out of ten, is an alright twist and a good first 15 minutes, my advice is watch Batman and Batman Returns and here’s hoping The Dark Knight Rises is much better.

Rating 0.5/5 Yes it really is that dreadful.

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